Dear Mr. Harper,

I saw you in Boston Pizza here in Calgary the other day, and, out of respect for your office and your family time (you were with your son) I did not bother you. Rest assured that I have not blamed the extreme heartburn I experienced after eating an entire Greek pizza and NOT walking across the table to accost you on a wide range of issues has in no way reflected poorly on that fine establishment. Have you tried their whole wheat crust, sir? It's epic. Please tell Mr. Stockwell Day. I suggest he look into their recipe for the hospital food issue.

I'll get directly to the point: I wish to inform you that, if you think you`re going to deliver Canadaians wholesale over to the prison industrial complex, or if you think you'll have no resistance turning my country over to Rupert Murdoch in exchange for power, you are sorely, sorely, SORELY mistaken.

I voted for you last time. OK, actually, that's a bald-faced lie, but I'm scraping the barrell and want you to believe you have something to lose by not doing things my way. If you do not make a public statement re: Fox News North, and otherwise distance yourself from the prisons issue between now and the next election, I assure you that I and everyone within earshot of me will NOT be voting Conservative.

Well, maybe that's not much of a threat, either, since I deliberately don't befriend anyone who's ever voted Conservative in their lives. Nonetheless, I do hope something, anything, somewhere in this letter has you shaking in your boots.

With Respect, C5

As a non-programmer, I find it interesting when a programmer says this sort of thing, as in, expresses an opinion about a complex subject I have no deep exposure to. I'm not trying to sound smart, but I am fascinated by the 'linguistics of comparative discourse'—in other words, experts comparing minutiae of their respective hobbies or disciplines.

"Try Python. It's way more fluid than Ajax, and instead of going through rigid methods to get something, you just sort of 'do it' and you have your results."

Like, from what I've gathered, Python is powerful, but to succeed in it, you have already developed a natural sense of organization (usually by mastering a more rigid language first), otherwise, the inexperienced Python coder will quickly get lost in their own projects as they grow in size. As I said, I know nothing about programming, but this, by itself, fascinates me. I "grokked" something about something without knowing anything at all about it. And my brain files it away and actually remembers it, but for what reason, I'll never know.

This is all a tangent, naturally, but for the same reason, I read the bridge columns in my local newspaper. Not really being into card games, I have no idea how bridge is played, but the whole, "When your partner dumps clubs, the natural thing to do is discomflabulate your suit structure push points in the daisy patch!" Huh? Wha? And yet, if you read enough of these bridge columns, you start to get a sense of, well, not really how bridge is played, but how it is played between the players. Fascinating.

I was in Hawaii last month, at Oahu's North Shore, watching the surfers surf. I was watching one surfer in particular, this young kid who was definitely out to impress. One of the native islanders, in a mix of Hawaiian and English, said, sort of, "That kid, he's got awkwahuli'a, but all wapu-wapika." And it was so cool because, from his syntax alone and from watching the kid surf, I realized that they guy said, essentially, "That kid's good, but a bit of a show-off." I knew it. I just knew it. It was such a fascinating experience.

I hate America.

Recently, on Reddit, someone asked if Canadians hate Americans. No, we don't. I do, however, but no one specific, just a pure, unadulterated hatred for what Americans are and what they stand for. A few of the comments on Reddit stood out for me, and here they are:

Just today I read the article about your White House PR person wearing a Canada jersey because they lost the bet for the Olympic Gold Medal game. OK cool haha, Go Canada. But not really, cause he removed it not long after that and just underneath that he was wearing the USA jersey which he ended up wearing a lot longer that the Canadian one. So he turned the lost bet into yet another excuse to show off the losing team's colors.

I mean, come the f**k on, you guys lost a silly little bet, can you not just honour the terms of the bet without feeling compelled to overcompensate directly after that? USA keeps talking about Canada being the one with the inferiority complex, but in so many ways USA reminds me of the big bully at school who deep down is sad and lonely because nobody likes him.

OH and I think the fact that you ask "Do you hate America?" instead of "Do you hate USA?" also grates more than a few nerves. I know it's not the fault of the Americans that they are called Americans and no other citizen of any of the Americas can refer to themselves as that, but in the eyes of the rest it does come across as a case of "fuck you, I'm bigger than you."

It's the Canada bashing Americans that really grates on most people. Constantly we are reminded that they could "roll over and crush us" or that we have the population of "about California" or that our economy is insignificant to theirs. That our navy consists of a few rowboats. That we have "Monopoly" money because it's printed in colours other than green. That we're "weird" because we use the metric system.

So you're #1. You also have a massive land area that's full of natural resources in easy to reach areas, and, as a plus, is mostly habitable. It's like you're breezing by someone on a bicycle in your big SUV and bragging about how much faster you're going.

As easy as it is to get irritated about all this, I know that Americans are just as ignorant about themselves. They think "New Mexico" is part of Mexico or that "Latin America" is some kind of state. They pick on Rhode Island for being tiny. For Oregon for being full of communists. For New Jersey for simply being New Jersey. I'll bet there's as many Americans who hate "Americans" for the same reasons Canadians do.

The other day, some 20 year-old asked people to post some advice for him for his 20th birthday. This was my reply.
_____________________________________________________________________

My list, written during a quick, 10-minute break here at work:

1) Have a sense of humour. Until you have one, borrow someone else's. You're completely lost until you can make a woman laugh. That hilarious guy with the one-liners that makes all the girls laugh? It's not just that he's talented—while you weren't looking, he put an *awful lot of work* into himself.

2) Drop the electric razor. God made men shave so they'll have to look at themselves in the mirror for a few minutes each day. Bleed. And stare at your face. It's the only one you've got.

3) Enjoy your own company. Spend time with yourself. Acquire a solitary hobby. If you're unable to spend time alone, don't expect anyone else to want to spend time with you.

4) Don't use people. And don't "decorate" your life with friends. Friends worth keeping can recognize someone who knows themselves well.

5) Never buy a new car until you can pay cash for it. And buy an American car at your own peril. Learn this now, or American cars will teach you this lesson later. Your call.

6) Work on yourself. Fuck the "win friend and influence people" books. There are no *tricks* to "making friends". The more fascinating you are, the more fascinating people will find you. That means read a book. You don't make friends worth keeping discussing the latest episode of "LOST" around the water cooler.

7) A woman is a woman is a woman. Until she's not. Then marry her. In other words, take a casual approach to dating. There is no "the one" woman—until she comes along. Women come and go. Let them. When the right one comes along, **believe in yourself**—you WILL know it. Until then, see rule #6.

8) Drink. In moderation. And remember these rules: Light beer is for pussies. Learn to appreciate good scotch, good tequila, good beer and good wine.

9) You are *nothing* without a bicycle.

10) Money is like electricity—it wants to flow. Spend it wisely, and it will always find you.

11) Never, ever, ever, ever wear cheap sunglasses.

12) Buy shoes from companies that make shoes for outdoor pursuits. They'll last forever.

13) Never steal a man's girlfriend. If she'll cheat on him, she'll cheat on you.

14) Be friendly and respectful to **everyone**. If you're working as a pizza delivery driver and haven't had a long-time customer invite you back to hang out sometime, then see rule #6.

15) Know the difference between charm and smarm. If you think you're *smoove*, you're actually just a doucebag. When women *know* you're solid but don't even know your name, when random little old ladies call you a "nice young man", you're onto something. Keep going.

16) Go ahead, be evil sometimes. But always take the high road when others expect you to take the low road.

17) Find what you want to do in life by finding yourself. There's no such thing as a "good career." At work, always remember that your customer is only the "next" in line. When you consistently delight the person whose job depends on *your* work, you can work there forever. If they fire you or let you go, move on. That business will soon be gone anyway.

18) "Travelling" is not visiting the main tourist attractions of whatever country you have in mind. You haven't been *anywhere* and you don't know *jack shit* until you've lived in faraway somewhere else, learned a bit of their language—*please, thank you,* and *excuse me, what is your name?*—and made love to some of their women.

19) Buy a good camera and learn how to use it. Document your life. Don't expect to have anything to look back on unless you have something to look back on.

20) Pick **one** sport. I think hockey is the best, but pick whatever you want. If it's baseball, pick *any* team but the New York Yankees. You look like just another *fokkin'* douche in your NY gear. Why just one sport? Your wife, the love of your life, deserves to have an end date to look forward to where she can have you all to herself, and not share you with Sidney Crosby, Rick Nash, or that overpaid hispanic third baseman.

I worked at the ski jumps here in Calgary, right after the 1988 Olympics. Sometimes I'd work the front gate, greeting people, usually Americans, coming up in their huge RVs. One couple in what had to be a million-dollar bus conversion setup came in and seemed friendly enough. "How did you like the mountains?" I asked. The woman in the passenger seat said, no lie, "Oh, they're magnificent. I just love what you've done with them."

What we've done with them??

I managed to stammer a thank-you and wave them on into the parking lot, but I've never forgotten that statement. The common American has almost no mental construct of nature, as if cities are a human's natural environment.

Once, back when I lived in Georgia, I was visiting a very scenic waterfall. Staring at the waterfall, I could feel a sort of trance coming on, as though all that "city livin'" stress was leaching out of me. I was relaxing, letting go, reconnecting with something that's just... natural, you know? Suddenly I notice, from the corner of my eye, little shiny things flying out and down the falls. I look over and some skater dude covered in bad tattoos is handing pennies to his fat, hoodie-clad girlfriend, who is throwing them into the water and, you guessed it, making wishes. I couldn't believe it. I was completely stunned, at a loss for words, but only for a second:

"What the f**king f**k do you think you f**kwads are doing??" I exclaimed. "What the f**king f**k is wrong with you? This is f**king NATURE for f**k's sake! Where do you think those pennies are going—to retarded children???? This isn't a goddamned mall! Get the f**k OUT of here or I'm going to call a conservation officer!"

As if there even ARE conservation officers in Georgia, but STILL. Wow.

Americans, as usual, think everything they have is the best in the world. And, as usual, little do they know that what they have completely sucks.

Take candy bars, for instance. When I was a kid growing up here in Canada, I loved Kit Kat candy bars. But, after living in the US for a long time, I learned that they're actually different here in Canada—and much, much better.

In the USA, anyone who appreciates high quality chocolate will tell you that, typically, the best chocolate sold there is from elsewhere. The reason is because American chocolate contains a lot of emulsifiers or fillers designed to keep the chocolate from melting on the store shelves, which is a real concern, especially in the parts of the USA where it can get very hot. The other, more important reason the emulsifiers are there is to "bulk up" the chocolate so the companies make money money and the customer gets less chocolate. Here in Canada, keeping the chocolate bars from melting on the shelves isn't as much of an issue. It's -25C outside as I write this.

Americans will say, "Hey, we have Kit Kat bars here in the states!" Yes, you do, but do your research. They're made by a different company than they are, say, in the UK or Canada. Here in the north, ours are made by Nestle, who still makes pretty good chocolate. Yours are made by a company that figured, hey, let's license the brand name and packaging, but use our American chocolate. Note my italics: American companies recognizing a good brand name is what they do best. Making good chocolates, however, that's another story.

If you don't believe me, Americans, have a look at your Oreo cookies, which are also different (and better!) here in Canada. Here, they're not made by Mr. Christie instead of Nabisco, and they're still baked. They're cookies, after all! The cookies still have the tiny bubbles in them from that baking process, so they'll float in milk instead of sinking. And if one falls into your milk, you can fish it out of there without it becoming a goopy mess. In America, the Oreo cookies are made by Nabisco (think: Kraft Foods, Phillip Morris, and cigarettes) and are not baked at all——they're just pressed together, like particle board, to save the time and expense of baking them.

An ex-GF of mine once got sick of me telling people this so she blindfolded me and I could still tell the difference. It's night and day to me.

The reason this is happening is because America no longer delivers intangibles. They're saying, "You got your fuckin' coffee—move along, now." That sort of thing. The "product experience" has moved upstream to the purchase point. It is no longer about the experience one has while consuming the actual product. This is what "branding" actually is/does. Products no longer need deliver the experience. It's about how you "feel about yourself" having bought X or Y brand's product.

This is also why I "hate" China. Their products are perfect for the American market. They have ZERO quality and don't pretend to. I once bent a Chinese screwdriver trying to use it, the metal was so soft. I like to jokingly make a non-PC joke that this is why there's 1.2 billion Chinese in the world: It takes 10 of them to do the job of a real person. They're just bad copies of each other. :D

I'm going to Hawaii in a couple weeks! Though I have a place to stay at the Kona Airport Mariott Hotel, I'd prefer camping our and chilling with someone cool on the Big Island. So far, I've written someone with a Vespa and, through Reddit, met a hopefully-cool person who's starting an organic farm there we might stay with.

I also posted an ad on Craigslist, which, naturally, got me some spam:

Hey,

I saw your ad on CL and think I have the perfect place for you. I run a small rent to ownn placement business and actually come up with something very suitable for you. Its not easy to help out without knwing your credit score. I dont want to get too involved until I know you are good on paper. Honestly, anything above 580 will be fine. Could you please email me your contact details, move date and exact credit score so we can get going? If you dont know your credit score, dont worry you can get a free copy by clicking Here. Just send me your results. Also the property pays me to find the tenannts. So dont be alarmed, there is no charge for you.

Thanks for your time,
Cheers!

Uh... So, naturally, I replied.

Dear Jaylynn Taylor ,

Hey! Jaylynn, thanks for writing me! Can I politely suggest that you go fuck yourself? I got the same letter from Holly Murphy *voncarman280@gmail.com*> and even something similar from Bayley Claiborne *bayleyclaiborne@gmail.com*. Bayley's scam was way, way, way better than yours, however. It even had a list where I could view the property I was supposed to be managing for two weeks—I actually looked at it for about ten minutes before I saw the hook, it was so well done.

A few tips to make your little side business work better for you:

"actually come up with something very suitable for you." That was a dead giveaway you're a scammer. Even if you're just out to fuck someone, it's bad form to pretend to care. Experienced 'net users see right through it.

"anything above 580 will be fine." You're joking, right? You can't even get a 7-11 hot dog these days without a score above 650. Scam tip: Stay real. Don't act all choosy with the "until I know you are good on paper" thing when your lowest acceptable score allows at least 3.2 billion bankrupt & broke people through the gate.

"Also the property pays me to find the tenannts." Real people, especially anyone I'd consider staying with, use real sentences.

"So dont be alarmed, there is no charge for you." Tip for next time: Victims don't want three or four "Don't worry!" phrases in their scam mails. The victim will let you know once you've penetrated. It's bad form to lovingly stroke their hair when they're still standing 5,000 miles from you with a look of, "Are you fucking kidding me?" on their faces. No, I'm not alarmed, thanks. Didn't it occur to you that the entire reason I put my ad on CL and worded it the way I did was because I didn't want to stay in some condo or hotel somewhere? It's not because I can't afford it. It's because I enjoy making new friends and have other things someone would enjoy visiting with. You know? No, you wouldn't. I'm out to make friends and continue to have amazing experiences, not meet people who'd run my credit score before shaking my hand.

"Thanks for your time." Scam tip: You're giving away the truth, here. If you're supposedly doing me a favour, why would you thank ME for MY time? We both know you only want me to sign up for the "free" credit score, but, if this scam is ever going to work, you're going to have to work on your exit. Leave them with some anticipation! Oh. Wait. You've never done that with anyone, have you?

Anyway, here's to better scamming. Work on these things and you'll have way, way more success, at least, with those just a little bitmore gullible than me.

Thanks for your time,
adfasdf